Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
