I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
