girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
