he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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