she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
