He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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