Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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