This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
