You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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