OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
