you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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