Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
did i walk over a car last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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