based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
