What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My pussy is not your playground.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
