oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
