anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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