we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
