So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
