Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
