I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
