You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
