Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
