So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
