I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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