Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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