Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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