I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
