I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
