I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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