Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
People in love make me want to vomit
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
