just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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