I can feel you judging me through the phone.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
