How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
