If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
