I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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