can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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