I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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