Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
