if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
