if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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