I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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