i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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