I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
