Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
