I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
