It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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