I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
