you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
