i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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