i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
