Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
