i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
