I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
